Joey's Big Problem.
by Paul8148
Summary: What hpaends when
1. Default Chapter

~ Joey's and Rachel's. It is April of 2000. Rachel is sitting in the chair when Joey walks in with a death look on his face.  
  
Rachel: Hey Joey.  
  
Joey: Oh.  
  
Rachel: (Turns around and see Joey's look on him.) What is wrong?  
  
Joey: Oh it just you have dreams of having kids someday?  
  
Rachel: Yeah  
  
Joey: Well that gone for me now.  
  
Rachel: (Looks stun.) Why?  
  
Joey: I was at the doctor's. I have a very low sperm count.  
  
Rachel: Oh Joey (Goes over to where he standing and hugs him).  
  
Joey: I mean I never going to be a daddy. (Starts to cry).  
  
(Opening credits)  
  
~ Monica, Chandler, and Ross are now there with Rachel talking to Joey ~  
  
Ross: Oh Buddy I so sorry.  
  
Joey: You should be. You're already a father.  
  
Monica: It going to be ok. You can always adopt with your wife.  
  
Joey: Yeah, if I can meet a woman who just what to do adopt. Besides it will not be the same as if it came from me. (Joey thinks to himself.) Hey Monica you still have the number of the sperm bank you was looking at a few years back.  
  
Chandler: Joey, I know they do a lot with health today. But only females can still get pregnant.  
  
Joey: How dumb do you think I him. (They all stare at him). I might still have my sperm I donation there. I can just call up and see if they still have any of me left.  
  
Monica: Ok, let me go get it. (She gets up and goes across the hallway).  
  
Ross: Hey Joey what you going to ask them?  
  
Joey: Well if they can keep my sperm I give them there for me. I mean when I married and my wife and I already we can use it.  
  
Rachel: But do not give you hopes up.  
  
Monica: (Walking back in with a piece of paper.) Here the number.  
  
Joey: Thanks. (Grabs the piece of paper and walks with the phone into his bedroom.)  
  
Ross: Ok this is crazy. Someone has to tell him they will not hold it for him.  
  
Monica: You do it. (Points towards Ross.)  
  
Ross: I do not want to tell him. You tell him Chandler. You are his best friend.  
  
Chandler: No way. Rach you tell him. Just strip naked first to easy his pain.  
  
Rachel: Looking. (Thinking). Even thru that might help him no. Oh I wish Pheobe were here right now.  
  
Joey: (Walking out of his) Ok. I just need fine a wife, get married with in next two weeks and I set.  
  
Ross: Huh? Why two weeks.  
  
Joey: Because there is a seven year rule.  
  
Chandler: What is the seven years rule?  
  
Joey: If the sperm is not use in seven years, it is throw away. (They all look sad at him). The good news is it all still there. Now for the finding of the wife. (Looks at Monica). How you doing? (Chandler shakes his head). Oh that right. (Looks at Rach). So, how you doing?  
  
Rachel: I not coming in second behind Monica. And besides this is not the answer.  
  
Joey: Ok. Tell me what you would do if you were I?  
  
(They all look at the ground) All: I do not now.  
  
Joey: Ok, I going for a walk. Maybe I run into Pheobe. (He leaves, as the gang looks at him leave with a sad look)  
  
Tell me what you think. I know I not the best speller. Chapter 2 coming soon. 


	2. Who steps up for Joey?

~ Chapter 2. Please note the time is April 2001 not April 2000 as I wrote in Chapter 1. Opening screen is at C and M's. Everyone is there besides Joey. Pheobe with a boyfriend name Tony.  
  
Ross: Ok it Joey who spend all night out. I mean he does this all the time right?  
  
Rachel: No. He loves home field on his dates.  
  
Chandler: Yeah. You do not know how many times a laid in bed and heard the home team fight song. (They all stare at him). Hum I just concerned for Joey.  
  
(Joey walks in). Joey: Hi.  
  
Rachel: Where have you been?  
  
Joey: Out looking for a wife. I thought I had one, until I meant my future sister in law as well.  
  
Pheobe: Oh Joey I so sorry. (Hugs him).  
  
Joey: Oh god you here. (See Tony. Whisper something to Chandler). Can you take this dude out on a balcony for a moment?  
  
Chandler: Sure dude. Hey Tony, how you saw a big white house before. (Tony and Chandler walk outside. Joey grabs Pheobe hand).  
  
Joey: You know how you always joke about you and me doing something since Ross and Rachel have and Monica and Chandler are going to get married. So I figure (he gets down on his knees and pulls a ring box out of his pocket) Pheobe Buffy will you marry me?  
  
Pheobe: (Just stun). Oh.  
  
Ross: No Pheobe say no.  
  
Joey: Hey, anyone with three divorces please shut up.  
  
Monica: Pheobe you cannot say yes.  
  
Pheobe: I know, it just my first real proposal.  
  
Rachel: You were married before.  
  
Pheobe: Yeah, but it was more a business thing. (Turns and looks at Joey). No honey, you know I would do just about anything to fix this for you, but we can't.  
  
Joey: Ok (gets up). But maybe you can do that thing you did for Frank and Alice.  
  
Ross: That was different.  
  
Pheobe: Hey I would think about it, but the next kid that comes out of me is mines. I cannot go thru that again.  
  
Joey: Man, that it. I never going to be a dad. And the worst part is my family name is going to die. My dad has no brothers and I have only seven sisters. Too bad Monica you getting married in a month or I would (looks at her) ask you.  
  
Monica: No Joey.  
  
Joey: Well ok. (He turns to leave.)  
  
Rachel: Hey. Why did you not ask me?  
  
Ross: Because, you being pregnant.  
  
Rachel: What you think. I cannot handle it.  
  
Ross: You. Nope.  
  
Rachel: You know what Joey I do it.  
  
Monica: What?  
  
Ross: Huh.  
  
Joey: (Turns around). Cool. We are going to have a lot of sex when we are married.  
  
Rachel: No, the other thing. Like want Pheobe did for his Brother.  
  
Monica: Rachel think about what you saying.  
  
Ross: Yeah (laughing.) You two having a kid. (Points to Joey and Rachel).  
  
Pheobe: Oh my god Ross you are Jealous.  
  
Ross: No I think it stupid.  
  
Rachel: No he is Jealous.  
  
Ross: I'm not.  
  
Rachel: Yes you are. Come on Joey let go have sex. Something to tell our kid about someday. (See leaves and goes across the hall. Joey gives Ross the look Ross gives in TOW Monica's Thunder and follows her.)  
  
Ross: I cannot believe them. I show them. (Grabs the phone and walks out in the hallway. He stands next to JnR's door and pretends to dial.) Hi, is this Jill Green. This is Ross, Ross Geller. Yeah the really handsome ex boyfriend of your sister. (He giggles). I call to see if you still open to having all that sex you wanted to have a year ago. Really. Tonight great. (He turns his head away from the door and Rachel opens.) Yeah I cannot. (Rachel grabs the Phone and you hear a voice say at the tone of the beep it be 11:45 and 30 seconds.)  
  
Rachel: You are so sad.  
  
Ross: Ok I was a little jealous, but you cannot really do this. I mean when one of you move away he going to want the kid to live with him. And I do not want you to go thru the pain I do anytime I have to drop off Ben at Carol and Susan's.  
  
Rachel: I know. It just I never did anything like this before. I mean I like to do something big like Pheobe did for her Brother.  
  
Ross: Ok, I approve.  
  
Rachel: You think I need your approver. (She slams the door in his face; Joey is sitting in the chair).  
  
Joey: All you sure you want to do this.  
  
Rachel: Yeah, I want to say I did one great thing to help someone out. And you would do something like this for me. That the type of person you all.  
  
Joey: Yeah I'm. Ok call the doctors and the sperm bank and get started.  
  
(We cut back to C and M's, everyone is there expect Joey and Rachel.)  
  
Monica: I cannot believe Rachel is going to do this.  
  
Chandler: I know. Hey honey want would happened if we found out I cannot have kids.  
  
Monica: Ross will find a new way to bring business to his divorce lawyer.  
  
Pheobe: That been a big day, the first time anyone proposal to me.  
  
Tony: Yeah, the first time I was trick out of room so someone can proposal to my girlfriend.  
  
Ross: First time that phone trick did not work. (They all stare at him). This month.  
  
Part 3 coming soon. 


	3. The jar and duck woman

~ Ten days has past. Screen is Joey and Rachel anyone is there. Ok this series is going to lead into the season 8 alt.~  
  
Rachel: Ok, lets go do this.  
  
Joey: Rachel are you really sure about doing this.  
  
Rachel: For the tenth time today yes. (Turns to Ross). Yes.  
  
Ross: Just checking. Hey lets go, I call for a cab a few minutes ago.  
  
(Everyone is at the sperm bank that is part of a hospital. Joey are at the desk talking to a nurse.)  
  
Nurse: Ok I just need the surrogate mother to sign these forms and we all set.  
  
Joey: Ok, but for the record there is no surrogate mother. She a real person as you can tell. (Points at Rachel, then walk over there and hands her the forms). Hey you guys, no one is allow in the room when we do this so if you want the nurse told me the newborn ward is on the second floor if you want to kill some time.  
  
Ross: Ok that sounds like fun.  
  
Monica: Yeah I want to go see the babies.  
  
Chandler: (Not thrilled about going). Thanks buddy.  
  
Pheobe: Ok I meet your guys up there. I have to go to the restroom first.  
  
(Ross, Monica, Chandler walks towards the stairs, Pheobe towards the bathroom. The nurse walks up to Joey and Rachel.)  
  
Nurse: The doctor will be a few minutes. If you two like I can show you two the storage area for the sperm.  
  
Joey: Huh (Turns and looks at Rachel).  
  
Rachel: It not wants you think Joe.  
  
Joey: Ok then, sounds like fun.  
  
(They walk into a room that has a lot of freezers in it.)  
  
Nurse: Well this is where we keep the sperm until it needed.  
  
Joey: I wonder if it that where I keep my sperm?  
  
Rachel: I do not think so Joey?  
  
Nurse: And this is your collection we have. (Shows a little jar that is fog up). Well I got to go, the doctor would be here in a minute. (Nurse leaves as Joey looks at the Jar).  
  
Joey: So how you guys have been doing buddies, pretty cold in here. (Talking to the sperm.)  
  
Rachel: Joey that is sick.  
  
Voice: But it does seem to help chances of conceiving.  
  
Rachel: How would you.(Turns around and sees it a cute doctor.) know, doctor? (She becomes all flirty).  
  
Doctor: Well, because I'm the doctor, doctor Franks.  
  
Rachel: Oh, well then talk away Joey.  
  
Joey: (Not paying attention to her). Whatever?  
  
Franks: Why don't I show you (Looks at his sheet.)? Miss Green to the room you can get undress in and leave your boyfriend allow for a few minutes.  
  
Rachel: Oh, undress so soon. (Realize want she just said). I mean he not my boyfriend.  
  
Doctor: Here I show you the way.  
  
Joey: (Watches them leave, turns around and picks up the jar). Good I did not want them to think I was a nut for talking to a jar of sperm. Look you guys really need to pull thru for me today. I mean it important that it is a boy to because the family name is at sake. I mean I would not mine if you guys do the twin thing and make a girl too. But you guys, it more than all family name at shake. Because if we go it will have a bad impact on several American tradition. Think about all those pimp faces kids who deliver pizza to me. And do not forgot about all the Chinese restaurants. I mean their owners will have to go back to communist China. Then there is the playboy mansion. If you guys fail they have take floors off of it, turn it into a playboy shack. And do not even get me started about that poor Dustin dude who came up with Baywatch. He be living on the streets. So you guys got to pull thru ok.  
  
(Nurse walks in).  
  
Nurse: We ready to start.  
  
Joey: Ok. (Joey walks over with the jar). Here you would know what to do with this. (Hands her the jar).  
  
(We cut to Ross, Monica and Chandler standing around looking down into the baby ward).  
  
Ross: Hey look they all so cute. (Waves at one, it giggles.) Hey that one likes me.  
  
Chandler: Oh it just saw it first loser. Hey where is Pheobe?  
  
Monica: Maybe she got lost.  
  
Ross: I go look for her. (Ross walks away; we cut to Pheobe walking down a hallway).  
  
Pheobe; Where all you your dumb babies. (Opens a door to a room). Maybe your guys are hiding in here? (She walks in and comes out running and screaming. She turns a corner and physically runs into Ross).  
  
Ross: Hey Pheobes wants is wrong. Do not tell me you saw pig man again. I mean since you saw that Seinfield episode anytime we come to a hospital you think you see one. Remember how it ends Pheebes, with the dude killing himself.  
  
Pheobe: It was not pig man. It was duck woman.  
  
Ross: What? There is no duck woman.  
  
Pheobe: Or yeah I show you. (Grabs his arm and drags him, we cut back to Chandler and Monica looking at the babies).  
  
Monica: Man I cannot wait a couple of years until are first one is born.  
  
Chandler: Yeah (Stops and looks scared.) a couple of years? Like two years from today.  
  
Monica: Yeah that my plan.  
  
Chandler: You have a plan.  
  
Monica: Why how long do you want to wait?  
  
Chandler: Hum, seven, eight years sounds good.  
  
Monica: Seven or Eight years. You mean for our third kid right?  
  
Chandler: No I mean our first kid.  
  
Monica: Oh I see. (Is hurt).  
  
Chandler: Ok maybe not seven or eight years. But I want a couple of years to our self.  
  
Monica: Oh that sounds ok. (Towards away from Chandler and says in a low voice.) I bet Richard would not want "a couple of years to our self".  
  
Chandler: What did you say? (He upset at want he heard).  
  
Monica: Did I really just say that? (Chandler storms off. We cut to Pheobe dragging Ross to the room where she saw duck woman).  
  
Ross: Ok Pheebes. We going to go in there and see there is no duck woman and go back to the baby ward ok.  
  
Pheobe: Fine. (They walk in; the room is dark with just a little light beaming in making a shadow of the figure in bed. It has long hair and a huge nose that looks like a duck.)  
  
Ross: My god Pheobe you were right. It is a duck woman.  
  
Pheobe: Ok let's go then before it wakes up. (They go to leave but Ross hits something and duck women turns around.)  
  
Duck Woman: Who is there?  
  
Ross: Oh sorry wrong room. (Duck Woman turns on the light and you can see it a women with a huge nose).  
  
Woman: Well since you woke me up can you move the food tray over here.  
  
Ross: Sure. (Moves the tray over towards the bed). Look we sorry we thought you were someone else.  
  
Pheobe: Yeah we thought you were duck woman. I mean with your big nose and all.  
  
Ross: Pheobe. (Turns and looks at her). Look I sorry about my friend.  
  
Woman: That ok. In fact that way I'm here getting this fix.  
  
Ross: Oh. It does not look that bad. I mean you cute even with it. Which means you going to be so hot when they all done.  
  
Woman: Thanks.  
  
Ross: Hey this may not be the right time, but I was wondering if I could call you sometime maybe.  
  
Woman: Hey this is the first time someone tried to pick me up in a hospital. But I will have to say no, I married.  
  
Ross: Oh, hey those always do not work out. I know from experience.  
  
Pheobe: Ok lets go Ross. (They leave; we go back to the sperm back. Rachel and Joey are talking to the doctor. I not sure want they do so I just going to say they did it already).  
  
Franks: So you should know in about a month if you're pregnant or not.  
  
Rachel: Ok. (Cannot look at him).  
  
Franks: What is wrong?  
  
Rachel: It just I'm sort of embress at how you saw me today.  
  
Franks: It ok it my job, I do it everyday. (Nurse walks up).  
  
Nurse: Doctor Franks, it your wife on line one.  
  
Rachel: (Upset). And what do your wife think about what you see everyday? (Rachel storms out into the lobby and Joey follow. They see Chandler sitting down by himself and they walk up to him).  
  
Joey: Where is anyone, we ready to go.  
  
Chandler: I do not care where they all at.  
  
Rachel: What happened?  
  
Chandler: Nothing. (Monica walks up to them).  
  
Monica: I sorry about what I said about Richard.  
  
Joey: Oh, hey Rachel maybe we should give them a minute to talk. (Joey leaves; Rachel sits down waiting for them to go on. They stare at her and she moves over to where Joey is).  
  
Monica: Look I want to have kids with you not Richard. It just you said you wanted to right seven years.  
  
Chandler: Well you said you wanted three in seven years.  
  
Monica: Look I sorry about that too.  
  
Chandler: Look you should not feel sorry for wanting to have kids. I do to someday. But when we all both ready and I not ready right know.  
  
Monica: Ok I can wait seven years then.  
  
Chandler: I not saying I want to wait seven years neither. It just I want to be that married couple that stays up all night having sex for a while before we come the married couple that stays up all night changing diapers.  
  
Monica: Hey that sounds like fun.  
  
Chandler: I know. And I want that with you and only you. (He stands up and they hug and kiss, we cut to Joey and Rachel as Ross and Pheobe walks up to them).  
  
Joey: Where have you guys been?  
  
Pheobe: Ross tried to pick up duck woman. But he failed. (Rachel giggles).  
  
Ross: First she was not duck woman. Just a good looking woman with a huge nose that she was getting fix by the way. And I did not fail she was married. (Rachel giggles some more, Ross is upset at it). You know want, It ok. I mean the last time I fail for a girl with a big nose it was not want I hope for anyway.  
  
Rachel: (Stops giggling). Hey it was the forehead that made it look big. (Chandler and Monica walk over).  
  
Chandler: Ok let go home. (Ross, Pheobe, Monica, and Chandler all leave, Joey stop Rachel for a second).  
  
Joey: Hey I just like to thank you for doing this for me.  
  
Rachel: That ok, you like my best friend. (They hug and she kisses him on the check).  
  
Long one this time I know. Part four in a few days. Most likely part 1 of Monica and Chandler's wedding, which will include the first ever, cold feet of a best man. 


	4. TOW The Best Man's Cold Feet.

~ Chapter 4, The Best Man Cold Feet~  
  
(The screen is dinner the night before the wedding. The gang, Judy, Jake, Nova and Chandler (I call him tom) dad are they sitting around a table eating).  
  
Jake: So tom, we know what Nova does for a living, but Chandler never tells us want you do.  
  
Tom: Or I a singing in Vegas.  
  
Judy: Oh that nice.  
  
Monica: Hold on. Chandler you dad lives in Vegas and we did not go visit him last year when we went.  
  
Tom: Why would you not come visit your daddy?  
  
Chandler: While for starts you want me to still call you daddy, even thru you still wear a dress. And besides bigger things happened on the trip like those two getting married. (Points to Ross and Rachel).  
  
Nova: I'm hurt. You two got married and I did not get an invite.  
  
Jake: Neither did Judy and I and we his parents.  
  
Ross: (Upset over the topic). Ok look anyone claim down. The important thing is that we are all here as a family for. (He grabs a bottle of wine and fills it up.  
  
(We cut to later after they eat and it time for speech, Pheobe will start).  
  
Pheobe: (Stands up with a glass of wine). Today, I mean tomorrow we will witness to of my very best friends get married. I mean it was only a few year ago that these to hook up in London. I mean it was pure fate. How different would if it been if Joey would have been up there when Monica went looking for him that night. (They all look at her). Anyway as one love was falling apart, another was starting...(She goes on and on, Ross gets upset about the one love was falling apart part and downed his glass and fills it back up. This takes place when Joey speaks as while because he Joke about how Chandler did not say Janice. Ross is the only one left to speak. He gets up fully drunk).  
  
Ross: I like to stay that I love the fact that my best friend married my sister. I mean when I first caught them making out I was going to bash his skull in, but when I found out they was in love I was so happy for them. And for my sister, well at least one Geller kid will be happy. I mean I the loser who got married to a woman who has better luck being with one than I do. I the Geller who says the wrong name at the alter......(He goes on and on in a drunken rant. The screen is the next morning. The guys slept at Joey's with the girls at Monica's. Joey is up and Rachel comes in.)  
  
Joey: Hey good morning. (They kiss).  
  
Rachel: Hey where is Ross?  
  
Joey: He not over there with you gals?  
  
Rachel: No, maybe he went to his place to change. I hope he ok after last night.  
  
Joey: He should be fine. (Joey goes to walk to the bathroom but sees a note with a ring on top of it on the counter; he picks it up and read it). Oh my god, Ross has run off. He says that weddings turn bad when he part of them and he not going be part of this one.  
  
Rachel: Oh this is bad.  
  
Joey: I know the Best Man has cold feet.  
  
Rachel: No, Monica going to kill him for stealing her thunder. I mean this is going to be the talk of the wedding.  
  
Joey: (Reads more of the note). PS Monica I do not care about you stupid thunder, you guys hook up at one of mine weddings.  
  
To be continued. 


	5. 

~ Chapter 5, Screen Is Joey's and Rachel's and Joey just finish reading Ross's note.  
  
Rachel: Ok you go look for Ross and I stay here and try to keep Chandler and Monica from not knowing.  
  
Joey: Ok. (Goes to kiss her on the check but Rachel stop him).  
  
Rachel: Why is it that anytime we see each other you kiss me on the check?  
  
Joey: That what Ross did when Carol is pregnant with Ben.  
  
Rachel: First of they use to be married, and second they had sex a ton of times.  
  
Joey: (With the Joey smile). Well I not sure about the first thing, but I not going to say no to the second.  
  
Rachel: Joey go find Ross now. (Screams and pointing.)  
  
(Joey Leaves to go find Ross as Pheobe enters).  
  
Pheobe: Ok what is wrong? I got that feeling something bad happened.  
  
Rachel: Ross is gone.  
  
Pheobe: Oh no, Ross run off on yours and his wedding day.  
  
Rachel: Pheebes it is Chandler and Monica that getting married.  
  
Pheobe: Did why would Ross run off?  
  
Rachel: I do not know, he went on about weddings and bad luck for him.  
  
Pheobe: You know, being Ross I really do not blame him for this.  
  
Rachel: Yeah, hey but do not tell Monica and Chandler.  
  
(Just then Chandler walks out.)  
  
Chandler: Do not tell Monica and Chandler what?  
  
Rachel: That (thinking) Pheobe and I are going to sing a song at the after party.  
  
Pheobe: Good job keeping it from them Rach.  
  
Chandler: Hey I cool with it. Just keep it from Monica. (See Ross's note on the counter). Hey what is this?  
  
Rachel: (Grabs it). It the song we going to sing tonight.  
  
Chandler: Well I want to be surprise. Hey where are Ross and Joey?  
  
Pheobe: They went to Ross's for a little while. Just get ready for your wedding.  
  
(We cut to later in the day; Rachel is the phone with Joey over at Chandler's. Monica is getting ready in here room and Pheobe went with Chandler to the church).  
  
Rachel: Where are you guys at, the wedding is in an hour and a half and Chandler already left to the church.  
  
Joey: Well I found Ross at the last place you would expect to find Ross.  
  
(The carmer cuts from Joey talking on a pay phone to so you can see that it a strip club. A stripper is giving Ross a lap dance as he goes off with his story of love).  
  
Ross: So she never forgives me for saying Rachel name at the wedding. You know the one that I'm on break with?  
  
Stripper: Yes, and for the third time I believe you were on a break. (The stripper rolls her eyes. Joey walks up to them).  
  
Joey: Hey buddy, I can tell you having fun but it time to go.  
  
Ross: No, I not going to the wedding. (Ross stands up). And for another thing. (Ross falls onto Joey a drunken mess).  
  
The end. What will happen next? Well Ross and Joey make it to the wedding and will Ross be able to fulfill his best man duties. 


End file.
